The worst feeling I’ve ever had in my life

We all talk about the happy memorable moments of our lives. But to your surprise, my blog is about the worst feeling I’ve ever had in my life. Actually, it’s probably a psychological fact that people easily share their feelings when they are delighted but they don’t want to talk about their sadness because they don’t feel comfortable expressing it publicly. Sometimes it’s hard to open up to someone else because they might have pity on us, while some might not be able to solve the issue, and unfortunately others just like we are trying to be victims. But we have to understand that everyone feels sad sometimes, just like everyone feels joyful, angry, proud, and plenty of other emotions. In other words, everyone has feelings, and those feelings are always changing. So, it’s okay to feel sad because seemingly, it is a part of living and eventually we have to deal with it whether we like it or not. 

In my case, I want to break the social taboo and want to talk about the worst feeling I’ve ever had in my life. There was a time when the pandemic (covid-19) came as an unprecedented shock to all human lives. At that time, where the whole world was dealing with and coping with the stress, panic and fear of being affected by the coronavirus and fear of losing jobs, I was the one who was just overthinking the whole day “What if I or someone from my family gets affected from the virus”? How would we deal with it? Will we survive or not? Would this be the end of the world? What would be the solution to this? Is coronavirus really exist? What if they get sick? What if they get hurt? What if they die? The uncertainty was so inevitable that nobody knows how to deal with it. I even don’t know how to respond to it. Few things in life are scarier than the thought of losing a loved one. I was also afraid of losing my parents and my loved ones. The social media influence and negativity all over the globe were so high that my mind became fixated on negative thoughts like this. I couldn’t stop thinking about bad things that can possibly happen which used to bother me every day that made me feel anxious and depressed and the worst part is that I can’t share my emotions with anyone.

The situation became so worsened that it wasn’t easy for me to handle all this alone which eventually affected my mental health. I was in that phase of my life where I couldn’t express my feelings to anyone because I thought nobody would understand me, nor did they have a solution to my problem or if I would tell they will consider me a maniac so why annoy anyone? I thought of addressing the situation on my own. So, I started overthinking at another level that started affecting my night sleep also. I couldn’t sleep for the whole night. There is a huge difference between I don’t want to sleep and I can’t sleep. My sleeping pattern was totally disrupted.

My anxiety was killing me badly because overcoming the situation alone wasn’t so easy, although I tried every single day to overcome it but believe me that piercing discomfort travels through your body like a lightning bolt of ice. You suddenly experience a terrible sense of emptiness. Your hands start to shake, and you feel entirely alone and powerless. But other than the fact that you were just abandoned, nothing has actually transpired. However, not in the sense of separation; rather, you were unable to deal with the death of a loved one. Now when your emotions are out of control, your fear of losing control of you once more even if your intellect knows that you are totally overreacting. I had a weird void in me that was growing.

Then the real, true suffering began, and I realized that I have to deal with it all alone. No matter what the situation would be I will figure it out on my own that’s the mindset that was fixed in my mind. I had started keeping things to myself, I started enjoying the pleasure of my own company which made me an introvert. 

I wasn’t like that before but the situation made me an asocial person. Rather than speaking it out to someone, I resolved these issues within myself by myself and I am very much proud of it. But I must say this whole situation helped me to reconnect myself in a way that I don’t wait for anyone’s validation or any sort of approval for that matter. I have disconnected and reconnected with myself.

 SHIVAM GULATI